whatshouldavlcallme: The Asheville SATs

| November 1, 2013 | Comments (5)

whatshouldavlcallme_2013Here you go, from the always awesome whatshouldavlcallme:

The Asheville SATs

If you can pass this test about all things Asheville, you may continue to live here.

Multiple Choice:

1. If you are driving on Merrimon at 50 miles per hour, and you see a cop hiding out in Weaver Park, what is your best option?

A. Driver Slower, you may hit someone, Merrimon is very dangerous!

B. Weave in and out of traffic like a boss, practicing your skills of handling the Asheville

roads

C. Know that the cop won’t do anything

D. Drive by and honk loudly while you hold up your joint

 

2. Oh snap! Your conservative parents are coming for a surprise visit!  You have about 45 minutes to clean and plan an activity where you don’t want to see anyone you know, how do you handle this?

A. Take a shower, cut dreads off, put on a tie, go to Rezaz for dinner

B. Say “fuck it”, smoke a bowl, be late meeting them at Tupelo Honey, order 5 drinks on their tab

C. Impress them with tickets to the Biltmore Estate you copped on Craigslist, but also show your true side with wearing the Phish concert tee from ‘98 poking out from your sweater

D. Get your parents drunk off of high alcohol beers to get their crazy stories from the 70s to use against them if they ever make fun of your Asheville life again

 

3. Your friends are at a house party down Leicester on some backroads, your GPS is broken and you are lost, you stop inside the Hot Spot to get some help:

A. Ask the toothless attendant where the street is

B. Turn out of Hot Spot and just drive on every back road in scary W. AVL/Leicester hybrid area until you see where to go

C. I can’t even finish this response because who wants to go to house parties in Leicester

 

4. How do you earn your Asheville street cred?

A. Sleep with a service industry worker, drink 10 PBRs in a row, sign up for Go Local card

B. Get tattoo sleeve, puke on 2 people at once, buy every ‘tobacco accessory’ at Octopus Garden

C. Go completely vegan, buy patchwork quilt, research getting your own chicken coop

D. Create a political only Asheville rant Twitter, shop only thrift, eat Cinnamon Rolls at West End every other day

 

5. Asheville is just not on your side today, You feel hungover at work, your thrift pants ripped, and you only have 10 dollars for the next three days, how do you survive?

A. Taco Bell, tears, internet for five hours

B. Walk around downtown for free entertainment: buskers, people watching, collecting change to buy one drink

C. Create a blog about Asheville and try to be cool

D. Smoke all day, create future costumes for music festivals, make pancakes for three days straight

 

Comparisons:

Leave your responses in comments!

1. Traffic: I26:: Fall Leaves: ________

2. PBR: Hipster:: Craft Beer: _______

3. Merrimon: Grocery:: Haywood: _______

4. Advantage Card: Ingles:: _______: Asheville

5. Music: The Orange Peel:: _______: Bele Chere

6.  Beauty: Blue Ridge Parkway: _______: Tunnel Road

7.  Costumes: Music Festivals:: Beards: ________

8. Parking Downtown: Hell:: Going to the Mall:________

9. Binge Eating: Cookout:: Avoidance: _______

10. Sweeten Creek: Long:: Hendersonville Road: _________

Essay Questions: Points for creativity! (Please someone write one, I will publish it!)

1. How do you cope with the feeling that your love life is disappearing, you can’t find a job in town, and you generally feel Asheville is too small for you?

2. If you were mayor for the day, what new community laws would you implement in Asheville?

3. You are a new performance artist in town, what is your art about and your message to the world?

4. How do you feel about public nudity?

5. You are a ghost at Grove Park Inn, describe some of the scandalous activity you have witnessed?

 

True or False:

1. Skinny jeans look great on males

2. You can totally consume 5 10.2% alcohol content beers and feel fine

3. Ladies of Asheville like beards

4. Ladies of Asheville like other ladies all the time

5. Can you get sick from the French Broad River?

6. Asheville turns you gay

7. Patton Ave/Smokey Park is very beautiful

8. Buying all things local gets you into Heaven

9. Dating in Asheville has made you gain 30 lbs and seek therapy

10. Bele Chere is good for the local economy

Tags: , ,

Category: Asheville features

About Jason Sandford: Jason Sandford is a reporter, writer, blogger and photographer interested in all things Asheville. View author profile.

Comments (5)

Trackback URL | Comments RSS Feed

  1. Kittycat says:

    The Asheville SATs

    If you can pass this test about all things Asheville, you may continue to live here.

    Multiple Choice:

    1.

    A. Driver Slower, you may hit someone, Merrimon is very dangerous!

    2. B. Say “fuck it”, smoke a bowl, be late meeting them at Tupelo Honey, order 5 drinks on their tab

    3. A. Ask the toothless attendant where the street is, I’ve had a good time out in Leicester a time or two.

    4. C. Go completely vegan, buy patchwork quilt, research getting your own chicken coop

    5. D. Smoke all day, create future costumes for music festivals, make pancakes for three days straight

    Comparisons:

    Leave your responses in comments!

    1. Traffic: I26:: Fall Leaves: Blue Ridge Parkway

    2. PBR: Hipster:: Craft Beer: Ashevillian

    3. Merrimon: Grocery:: Haywood: Drugs

    4. Advantage Card: Ingles:: GoLocalCard?: Asheville

    5. Music: The Orange Peel:: Tourism : Bele Chere

    6. Beauty: Blue Ridge Parkway: Sales: Tunnel Road

    7. Costumes: Music Festivals:: Beards: Rivers

    8. Parking Downtown: Hell:: Going to the Mall: Hell

    9. Binge Eating: Cookout:: Avoidance: Mcdonalds

    10. Sweeten Creek: Long:: Hendersonville Road: Slow

    Essay Questions: Points for creativity! (Please someone write one, I will publish it!)

    1. How do you cope with the feeling that your love life is disappearing, you can’t find a job in town, and you generally feel Asheville is too small for you?
    Decide it’s time for a change and move to Colorado, marijuana is legal there at least. Go Broncos ;)

    2. If you were mayor for the day, what new community laws would you implement in Asheville?
    I would make it so the town trolleys must go the speed limit.

    3. You are a new performance artist in town, what is your art about and your message to the world?
    It’s about cats and women and how they will rule the world.

    4. How do you feel about public nudity
    Who cares? Keep it put up, or flash us if you’re feeling a little risque.

    5. You are a ghost at Grove Park Inn, describe some of the scandalous activity you have witnessed?
    I’ve seen lovers love, and presidents wine and dine.

    True or False:

    1. Skinny jeans look great on males FALSE

    2. You can totally consume 5 10.2% alcohol content beers and feel fine TRUE

    3. Ladies of Asheville like beards TRUE

    4. Ladies of Asheville like other ladies all the time FALSE

    5. Can you get sick from the French Broad River? FALSE

    6. Asheville turns you gay TRUE YET FALSE

    7. Patton Ave/Smokey Park is very beautiful FALSE

    8. Buying all things local gets you into Heaven FALSE

    9. Dating in Asheville has made you gain 30 lbs and seek therapy TRUE

    10. Bele Chere is good for the local economy TRUE

  2. JP says:

    Multiple Choice:
    1) B – Always weave like a boss.
    2) D – The higher the grav, the better the story.
    3) C – The farm party is the only reason to go to Leicester (and if you don’t know, you don’t need to).
    4) A/D – This question needs clarifying – west avl or downtown?
    5) None of the above – Taco truck & call in drink favors from all the people who have mooched them on your tab before.

    Compare:
    1) Florida license plates in wrecks
    2) Connoisseurs
    3) Booze
    4) EBT Cards
    5) Death Mobs
    6) Destruction
    7) Required
    8) Hell
    9) Phoya Belly (sorry)
    10) Lost

    Essay:
    1) I drink scotch at the Prospect until I can’t see anyone’s face anymore anyway so it doesn’t really matter.
    2) A beard requirement for men. A shaving requirement for women.
    3) Drinking moonshine, hoping you don’t go blind, and getting revenge on your friend who is now dating your ex because there aren’t enough people to meet new people in this town.
    4) Do your boobs hang low, do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow?
    5) I participated in it – using my power to manifest knocking down and demolishing all the children’s gingerbread houses in the night.

    True or False:
    1) False
    2) True – and tested
    3) I think we all know this is true. And if you say you don’t you’re lying.
    4) False. We’ll still smile but watch out.
    5) False – Having swallowed a decent amount of it mixed in my PBR, yer fiiine.
    6) False. Unless bro-mances count.
    7) False. Extra false from 4:30-6 on weekdays.
    8) Well if that’s true I think we’re all screwed.
    9) False but I’d like to hear equivalents to that because it is the ultimate shit show.
    10) Painfully true.

  3. Jake says:

    Multiple Choice:
    1) C – APD uses the parking lot as overflow. Chances are the car is empty.
    2) D – Use high-gravity to your advantage.
    3) C – Only go to Leicester house parties when someone else is driving.
    4) D – Twitter and Cinnamon rolls are why the Earth was created.
    5) D – American Spirits are a food group. Plus pancakes.

    Analogies:
    1) NCDOT incompetence
    2) Gentry
    3) Restaurants
    4) Tattoo Sleeves
    5) Extinction
    6) Horror
    7) Breathing
    8) Hell
    9) Scully’s
    10) Longer

    Essay:
    1) Wedge IPA makes all these small troubles wash away.
    2) I’d raise parking deck/meter rates.
    3) My art is about farting melodically, and how sphincter control could be the answer to the world’s woes.
    4) I like to feel public nudity with my hands, whenever possible.
    5) The most scandalous thing was when Jack Scanlan accidentally mistook Hayley DeBroon’s chenille dress for crinoline. I nearly fainted.

    True or False:
    1) F
    2) T
    3) T
    4) F
    5) T
    6) F
    7) F
    8) T
    9) F
    10) T

  4. @reinkster says:

    1. Traffic: I26:: Fall Leaves: Blue Ridge Parkway Traffic

    2. PBR: Hipster:: Craft Beer: Mid 30′s Hombrewer Beer Belly

    3. Merrimon: Grocery:: Haywood: Scooters

    4. Advantage Card: Ingles:: ##Toursists## : Asheville

    5. Music: The Orange Peel:: ##BYO Pint of Whiskey in a Solo Cup## : Bele Chere

    6. Beauty: Blue Ridge Parkway: ##The Mountaineer Inn Sign## : Tunnel Road

    7. Costumes: Music Festivals:: Beards: Beer Brewers

    8. Parking Downtown: Hell:: Going to the Mall: Parking Downtown

    9. Binge Eating: Cookout:: Avoidance: I-26 on Friday Afternoon

    10. Sweeten Creek: Long:: Hendersonville Road: Slow

    This was awesome! I haven’t done these comparisons in a long time! :)

    Thanks guys,
    ~Adam

  5. Jason says:

    2. PBR: Hipster:: Craft Beer: _(Also hipster)_

Leave a Reply




If you want a picture to show with your comment, go get a Gravatar.